Brielle - Homeward Bound!!!

DOMINICAN REPUBLIC

SANTIAGO MISSION

Issued solemnly this 26th day of May 2016 by the Homeward Bound Committee of the Dominican Republic Santiago Mission to the family, friends, and loved ones of the beloved Hermana Buchanan.

By virtue of the astounding, if not mind-boggling eighteen wonderfully accumulated months composed in equal parts of dirt, sun, sweat, tears, and incredible joy in the service of the Lord, the Homeward Bound Committee has decreed that the time has come for these callused, blistered, tired, and dirty feet to take a rest.  Soon this Hermana will again be entering into the wicked gentile world, wearing out-of-style clothing and tanned from the neck up and the elbows down, but full of love for the gospel.

As chairman of the committee responsible for the homeward bound missionaries departing from the Dominican Republic Santiago Mission, it is my duty and privilege to inform you of the return of Hermana Buchanan of Wyoming, USA, after a completed service to the Lord as a missionary of the previously mentioned mission.  She will arrive on Friday, the 2nd day of June 2016.

           

In making proper preparations to welcome home Hermana Buchanan back into organized society, it is advised to keep in mind the confined, unusual, and foreign environment that has influenced her life for the past eighteen months.  One would be advised to stock the kitchen with plenty of mom’s home cooking and goodies such as pizza, Oreo cookies, M&M’s. chocolate chip cookies, and of course, your missionary’s favorite dish.  It would be wise, in order to prevent further damage, to dispose of any signs of moldy bread, white cheese, powdered milk, cabbage, mondogo (cow guts), goat head soup, chicken feet, tripita (small intestines), yucca (a kind of boiled root that instantly turns to cement upon making contact with the stomach lining), sugar cane, and Clorox-purified or boiled drinking water. Try to be understanding when your missionary has frequent, uncontrollable cravings for arroz con leche (Dominican rice pudding), habichuelas con dulce (Dominican sweet bean drink), “la bandera” (beans/rice/meat dish representing the country’s flag), mangos, avocados, and platanos fritos (fried plantain).

 Don’t take it personally offensive when your missionary sifts through flour, sugar, or rice looking for ants, or examines her food for any bugs before she actually takes a bite.  Don’t be alarmed when she washes her fruits and vegetables with Clorox water.  Do not think of her deranged when she spits out bones and raw spices onto the floor.  Do not be disturbed when she eats with her elbows on the table, uses only a spoon, uses her shirt as a napkin, and throws leftovers out the window.  You will need to remind her what a garbage can is used for and where it is located.

Be sure to have a full tank of hot water so your missionary can enjoy her first hot shower in a long time.  Do not be surprised when she wears her flip-flops in the shower, wears bug repellent as perfume, uses Raid as an air freshener and a butcher knife as a can opener, dumps three buckets of water down the toilet to flush it, or throws toilet paper in the garbage can.  You will need to point out that the garden hose is not to be used to clean the house due to the damage it may cause to things called carpet and furniture.  Tell her there are machines that cut the grass and she will no longer have to use a machete.  You can also tell her it is not necessary to set up a mosquito net around her bed each night, and that she will not need candles and matches at her bedside. Yes, you will need to remind her that the camping trip is now over.

If she is made aware of an illness of any kind, she will have the tendency to prescribe drinking something with lemon in it, that being the general cure for everything in the Dominican Republic.  And if lemons don’t work, the magic cream will.  So for any headache, cough, cold, toothache, or other bodily ailment, it would be suggested to purchase the twenty-cent tin of “Vi Va Po Ru”, otherwise known as “Vicks Vapor Rub”.

Please do not be disturbed when she wears the same clothes for a week, judges travel time by how long it takes to walk, prays in Spanish, asks to share a scripture and pray at the end of each meal, or eats her food in thirty seconds flat to run off to an appointment.

In addition, your missionary may become extremely upset when told that she will no longer have to scales cliffs, wade through streams, throw rocks at vicious dogs, or jump fences to get to her next appointment. Before handing her the car keys, she will need to review correct and courteous driving skills, due to the fact that she has become Dominicanized in the rules of the road and traffic laws.  The symptoms of such a condition are:  driving the wrong way down one-way streets, using stop signs and stop lights only as suggestions, constantly blaring the horn, bribing or simply not stopping for the police, running over chickens, hitting motorcycles, and using the arm as a turn signal.  Also remind her of the purpose of the lines on the road—where they came from, why they are there, and where they go.

This poor wasted servant of the Lord will probably scream, run wild, and become violent if you should mention shots, worm pills, cockroaches, mosquitoes, tarantulas, rats, bats, biting ants, and fleas, biking in the rain, burning tires, gun, knife and machete fights, rock throwing, and “frecos” (overly aggressive friendly Dominican men that want to do more than make an acquaintance on the premise of changing their martial status).

For the first few weeks your missionary is home, accept with understanding her broken English.  A simple request for a translation may be necessary when she involuntarily breaks into a dialogue known as “Spanglish”.

Take into consideration her state of mind when she calls you “Elder” or “Hermana” and insists that it is a rule not to tell you her first name and that Hermana is sufficient.  Do not be bothered if she walks in the door and yells “Saludos” instead of just knocking, says “con permiso” before entering a room, hisses at people to get their attention, points with her lips or face, wrinkles her nose when she doesn’t understand, shakes her index finger to say no, asks everyone how they liked the meeting, or carries her backpack everywhere.  Do not judge her crazy when her only topic of conversation is the Dominican Republic and the missionary work, or think she is a religious fanatic when she preaches to friends or strangers about Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, reverence in church meetings, and the importance of family home evening.  Do not be embarrassed when she says “adios” to everyone she sees, or “buen provecho” to everyone she sees eating. She will definitely have a great tendency to shake hands or kiss cheeks with everyone when meeting and parting.  Also when asked to run to the store between noon and two pm, do not be alarmed if she replies by saying, “We can’t, they’re closed!”  Just patiently remind her that she is in the United States now.

All are hereby warned and duly cautioned to treat the newly delivered missionary with great

care, courtesy, affection, and love. Humour her in every possible way.  Remain calm when she

jumps out of bed at 6:30am to exercise, have devotional, and beat everyone to the

bathroom.  She is used to having a companion twenty-four hours a day, so don’t be surprised if

she follows you around and wants to have companionship study and prayer.  She will surely be

suffering from “Dominicanitis”, an extreme love for the Dominican people, so please try to

understand when she gets a faraway look in her eyes, tears brim, and she quietly excuses

herself from the room.  She will be thinking of that faraway land and the people that she has

grown to love and who have changed her life.  But broken hearts are mended with lots of love,

hugs, and chocolate chip cookies.  With a little bit of patience, tolerance, kindness, and time,

she will once again resemble the pre-mission loved one you once knew.  However, when she

does not respond to her given name, you may be able to catch her attention by

shouting:  Hermana, Blanca, Americana, CIA, Mormona, Linda, Bakana, Gringa,

Chic, and if all else fails try psssssssssssst!

So send no more mail to this address because this is it—SHE IS COMING HOME!!!!!  The Homeward Bound Committee thanks you for giving close attention to these matters and hopes that this information will be of assistance in giving your missionary a warm welcome home.

 Sincerely, 

See You Soon

President, Homeward Bound Committee

Dominican Republic

Santiago Mission